My monthly hormones often hit me like a ton of bricks. On very few months can I get by without noticing their surging; most often I am an emotional wreck for the few days (OK, weeks) before my cycle starts anew. Over the years I have tried so many ways to overcome this deficiency, including changing my diet and using supplements, but I still struggle. This month was no exception. Even though I KNEW it was "that time", I allowed myself to dwell on depressing thoughts of my own inadequacy and the futility of my life. My poor husband had to listen as I poured out my woes; the man is made of iron, and he took it pretty well. One thing I complained of to him was that I have not accomplished anything that I wanted to in my life. Here I am, 43 years old, and I have not done anything that I dreamed of doing when I was in my late teens and early 20's (except getting married, having 5 wonderful children, being blessed way more than I deserve--who said PMS was rational?), and when would they ever get done? Was I to live my whole life never fulfilling any of my desires?
He said ,"Well, what do you want to do?" I was actually not very able to form a coherent response at the time, because the focus then was on how downtrodden I am--constructive thought was not an option. But now that I am calmer (the *flow* has started, life all the sudden seems livable again), I realize that it is a valid question. What DO I want to do? What have I not accomplished that I really would like to? And so I want to start a Bucket List (things to do before I kick the bucket, in case you haven't seen the movie), to be added to or deleted from in the future. I have several items already in mind:
1) learn a language well enough to think in it
2) make a difference in someone's life for eternity
3) make my house a home
4) get out of debt
5) shop for wedding dresses with my daughters
6) teach younger women about raising their children and loving their husbands
7) play hymns with 4-note chords in the right hand
Already I'm overwhelmed. I've wasted so much time! How will I get these done, when my time seems so much not my own? Well, that's the Lord's job to figure that out, I guess. I'm not going to allow myself to get spun up about it again--at least, not this month.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Always Carrying About in the Body the Dying of Jesus
After over 20 years of being a Christian, I am learning much lately about the grace of God and its place in my life. For so long I have been living with the idea of my effort, my sufficiency, my solutions. In the past few months I've been realizing the value of admitting my inadequacy, my stupidity, my hard-heartedness.
I am a control freak. I like to have a plan, and I like to ensure that it is carried out. I like things to go the way I anticipate them to go; I like expectations to be met. I don't deal well with disappointment--that means something didn't go the way I had planned for it to go. My way was best--why shouldn't it go that way?
I am also a rather capable person. I can do most things I set out to accomplish. I make a plan; I carry it out. It is all under my control, and I feel good about myself when it all comes together the way I anticipated it would. If there is a problem, I come up with a solution. I enjoy a challenge, because it gives me the opportunity to show everyone how capable I am.
I state these things baldly because inside my head, it can get pretty blatant like this. I don't like to think of myself this way, but in reality, this is what it is. Except lately it has been changing.
Through a series of circumstances, God has blown my conception of my sufficiency wide open. He is helping me realize how stupid I really am, and how prideful has been my idea of myself. Everyday patterns of thinking, which I considered normal and true, He has shown to me to be arrogant and sinful. He has been helping me learn what it means to exist relying on His grace--and His grace alone.
Lately, Scripture has become more important to me--because it is GOD's truth, HIS plan for me. "If you continue in my Word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free" (John 8:31-32). When I find myself in the midst of a situation, instead of immediately coming up with a plan, I have been asking for help to see GOD's plan. (Even as I write this I realize I was about to plan something for myself later without praying about it first--old habits die hard.) I am seeking the truth of Scripture with a humbler mindset, not expecting immediate results, or coming up with a plan to achieve them, but content to wait for the Spirit to do Its work in my heart.
It is a continuing mindset of carrying Jesus' death with me in my heart all day long (2 Corinthians 4:10). I am to be dying as He did. I am to be reflecting not myself and my own capability, but His glory. I am to be surrending to His ideas, His solutions, His plans--because mine are unreliable and inadequate, and His are perfect and powerful.
I don't know if anyone can see this change on the outside. I'm not sure that it matters, except for that prideful part of me that wants kudos for being "more spiritual." This isn't "more spiritual"; it's where I should have been about 20 years ago. Perhaps then things would have gone a lot easier! But I know it's there on the inside...I just pray it will continue and I won't snuff it out with my own ideas.
I wish I could elucidate all this more clearly. It is a work in progress, however; and I don't understand it all myself, yet. But I am SO thankful.
I am a control freak. I like to have a plan, and I like to ensure that it is carried out. I like things to go the way I anticipate them to go; I like expectations to be met. I don't deal well with disappointment--that means something didn't go the way I had planned for it to go. My way was best--why shouldn't it go that way?
I am also a rather capable person. I can do most things I set out to accomplish. I make a plan; I carry it out. It is all under my control, and I feel good about myself when it all comes together the way I anticipated it would. If there is a problem, I come up with a solution. I enjoy a challenge, because it gives me the opportunity to show everyone how capable I am.
I state these things baldly because inside my head, it can get pretty blatant like this. I don't like to think of myself this way, but in reality, this is what it is. Except lately it has been changing.
Through a series of circumstances, God has blown my conception of my sufficiency wide open. He is helping me realize how stupid I really am, and how prideful has been my idea of myself. Everyday patterns of thinking, which I considered normal and true, He has shown to me to be arrogant and sinful. He has been helping me learn what it means to exist relying on His grace--and His grace alone.
Lately, Scripture has become more important to me--because it is GOD's truth, HIS plan for me. "If you continue in my Word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free" (John 8:31-32). When I find myself in the midst of a situation, instead of immediately coming up with a plan, I have been asking for help to see GOD's plan. (Even as I write this I realize I was about to plan something for myself later without praying about it first--old habits die hard.) I am seeking the truth of Scripture with a humbler mindset, not expecting immediate results, or coming up with a plan to achieve them, but content to wait for the Spirit to do Its work in my heart.
It is a continuing mindset of carrying Jesus' death with me in my heart all day long (2 Corinthians 4:10). I am to be dying as He did. I am to be reflecting not myself and my own capability, but His glory. I am to be surrending to His ideas, His solutions, His plans--because mine are unreliable and inadequate, and His are perfect and powerful.
I don't know if anyone can see this change on the outside. I'm not sure that it matters, except for that prideful part of me that wants kudos for being "more spiritual." This isn't "more spiritual"; it's where I should have been about 20 years ago. Perhaps then things would have gone a lot easier! But I know it's there on the inside...I just pray it will continue and I won't snuff it out with my own ideas.
I wish I could elucidate all this more clearly. It is a work in progress, however; and I don't understand it all myself, yet. But I am SO thankful.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Monthly Menu
Just finished planning my dinner menu for the month of June. Now I can go to the store tomorrow and buy everything I will need for the entire month; then there will only be quickie trips to supplement the produce supply. I've found that planning for the entire month drastically reduces how much I spend, much moreso than only planning for a week, which is what I tried to do before. I am able to plan around what's for sale at the store, as well as what I have in my freezer. I also like planning for a month because then when it's done, it's done for a month! and I don't have to think about it again next week.
I print out a blank calendar for the month in question. (I get mine from Outlook.) Then I write in the major activities that will be taking place--this month, it's softball and baseball games. I also make a note of when my husband will be traveling; then I can plan less complicated meals for just me and the kiddos. When we've got a softball game at 5:30pm (have to be there at 5pm, must leave the house by 4:20pm), I know I'm going to have to pack sandwiches, so that goes on the calendar for that day. A later softball game means I need to make something easy, so we eat early. This month I focused on not using the oven, so I have a lot of grilling scheduled, as well as the crockpot and some pasta salads.
When I began doing this, I first went through my recipes and made a huge list of all the recipes I make regularly and that my family likes. Then it was just a matter of fitting them on a calendar so that we wouldn't be eating chicken three nights in a row or having an elaborate meal when we needed to head to a church activity. Now I always consult the previous month's meal calendar, too--sometimes there is a meal I didn't get to use, due to a change in circumstances, so I'll put that on this month. Or the kids may have really liked a new recipe I tried, so I'll want to repeat it.
This IS a great way to try new recipes. You can fit them in right where they will work the best for your schedule and make sure you have all the ingredients ahead of time. Leftovers, too, can be planned for, rather than just left to turn funny colors in your refrigerator.
Friday is always movie nite for us, and we like to have finger foods in front of the movie for our dinner. I've found good, cheap recipes that everyone likes, and they just go in a regular rotation on the calendar. Sundays I don't cook dinner at all--the kids and the hubby need to forage for themselves. That's how we use up a lot of leftovers!
I don't plan breakfasts or lunches. For breakfast, I just have a list of recipes/ideas, and pick from that each morning what I feel like making. Lunches are made by a designated child each day--he/she either can choose from a list of acceptable options or come up with something original, as long as my dinner ingredients are not violated!
The thing is, I really don't like cooking. I don't like having to leave something fun that I am doing, or a project that I am working on, to have to go hide away in the kitchen, to make food that will just get eaten right away and leave a big mess behind for me to clean up! :-) Having a menu plan seems to work for me, keeping me motivated and efficient. When I already know what is planned for the meal that night, I often can get started in the morning, while I am cleaning up breakfast. And somehow, knowing what dinner is going to be makes me more motivated to prepare it--I don't have to decide what to make first; I can just dig right in.
I have been hot and cold on the whole menu planning thing for many years. But these days I honestly believe it is what works best for me. I had to persevere (off and on, admittedly) until I found a system that fit my working style--which for me is MONTHLY planning.
I print out a blank calendar for the month in question. (I get mine from Outlook.) Then I write in the major activities that will be taking place--this month, it's softball and baseball games. I also make a note of when my husband will be traveling; then I can plan less complicated meals for just me and the kiddos. When we've got a softball game at 5:30pm (have to be there at 5pm, must leave the house by 4:20pm), I know I'm going to have to pack sandwiches, so that goes on the calendar for that day. A later softball game means I need to make something easy, so we eat early. This month I focused on not using the oven, so I have a lot of grilling scheduled, as well as the crockpot and some pasta salads.
When I began doing this, I first went through my recipes and made a huge list of all the recipes I make regularly and that my family likes. Then it was just a matter of fitting them on a calendar so that we wouldn't be eating chicken three nights in a row or having an elaborate meal when we needed to head to a church activity. Now I always consult the previous month's meal calendar, too--sometimes there is a meal I didn't get to use, due to a change in circumstances, so I'll put that on this month. Or the kids may have really liked a new recipe I tried, so I'll want to repeat it.
This IS a great way to try new recipes. You can fit them in right where they will work the best for your schedule and make sure you have all the ingredients ahead of time. Leftovers, too, can be planned for, rather than just left to turn funny colors in your refrigerator.
Friday is always movie nite for us, and we like to have finger foods in front of the movie for our dinner. I've found good, cheap recipes that everyone likes, and they just go in a regular rotation on the calendar. Sundays I don't cook dinner at all--the kids and the hubby need to forage for themselves. That's how we use up a lot of leftovers!
I don't plan breakfasts or lunches. For breakfast, I just have a list of recipes/ideas, and pick from that each morning what I feel like making. Lunches are made by a designated child each day--he/she either can choose from a list of acceptable options or come up with something original, as long as my dinner ingredients are not violated!
The thing is, I really don't like cooking. I don't like having to leave something fun that I am doing, or a project that I am working on, to have to go hide away in the kitchen, to make food that will just get eaten right away and leave a big mess behind for me to clean up! :-) Having a menu plan seems to work for me, keeping me motivated and efficient. When I already know what is planned for the meal that night, I often can get started in the morning, while I am cleaning up breakfast. And somehow, knowing what dinner is going to be makes me more motivated to prepare it--I don't have to decide what to make first; I can just dig right in.
I have been hot and cold on the whole menu planning thing for many years. But these days I honestly believe it is what works best for me. I had to persevere (off and on, admittedly) until I found a system that fit my working style--which for me is MONTHLY planning.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
My First Post
I've been toying with the idea of starting a blog for awhile now. Today just seemed the day to do it, I guess!
In this first post I'll tell a little bit about myself. I'm a forty-something gal, married to a very interesting man, blessed with five unique children, trying to live the Christian life in a manner that is pleasing to God. We live on 8 1/2 acres in rural Missouri. I currently do not work outside the home, but that may change soon (more on that later, most likely). We homeschool all of our children and have since the eldest started kindergarten (she is finishing 9th grade right now). Gene and I are approaching our 20th anniversary this summer; it is amazing to me that it has been that long.
I dabble in several interests. I have a love/hate relationship with reading fiction--I love doing it, but it gets the better of me sometimes, eating into my daily motivation, and then I have to give it up for awhile. Music is also a love of mine; I love singing it, playing it, and dancing to it (although the latter generally only happens when I am alone in the house!). I have a thing for grammar and spelling, and I enjoy a tricky algebra problem; but I hate housework and cooking!
The most important thing in my life is my relationship with God, the Creator of the universe. I seek to know Him better by studying His Word (the Bible) and maintaining stimulating friendships with other like-minded believers. This will be a large part of what I post about; I am nothing apart from my Christianity. It forms a large part of my thoughts, and I have no intention of keeping that to myself.
Right now, I just intend to blather about what is happening in my life. What I am doing, what I am thinking, what I am learning. I don't know that anyone else will really care about any of that! But I like the idea of refining my thoughts enough to share them with the public, and if someone finds something interesting or helpful to him- or herself, then so much the better.
Until next time, then!
In this first post I'll tell a little bit about myself. I'm a forty-something gal, married to a very interesting man, blessed with five unique children, trying to live the Christian life in a manner that is pleasing to God. We live on 8 1/2 acres in rural Missouri. I currently do not work outside the home, but that may change soon (more on that later, most likely). We homeschool all of our children and have since the eldest started kindergarten (she is finishing 9th grade right now). Gene and I are approaching our 20th anniversary this summer; it is amazing to me that it has been that long.
I dabble in several interests. I have a love/hate relationship with reading fiction--I love doing it, but it gets the better of me sometimes, eating into my daily motivation, and then I have to give it up for awhile. Music is also a love of mine; I love singing it, playing it, and dancing to it (although the latter generally only happens when I am alone in the house!). I have a thing for grammar and spelling, and I enjoy a tricky algebra problem; but I hate housework and cooking!
The most important thing in my life is my relationship with God, the Creator of the universe. I seek to know Him better by studying His Word (the Bible) and maintaining stimulating friendships with other like-minded believers. This will be a large part of what I post about; I am nothing apart from my Christianity. It forms a large part of my thoughts, and I have no intention of keeping that to myself.
Right now, I just intend to blather about what is happening in my life. What I am doing, what I am thinking, what I am learning. I don't know that anyone else will really care about any of that! But I like the idea of refining my thoughts enough to share them with the public, and if someone finds something interesting or helpful to him- or herself, then so much the better.
Until next time, then!
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